Lavender Crème Brule

I love lavender crème brule.

I love salt and vinegar Pringles chips, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, hot chocolate brownies right out of the oven, sugar cookies with buttercream icing and an obnoxious imbalance of real whipped cream to my Mom's trifle, drowned in sherry. 

Most people wouldn't know this though, because I am known to "not eat dessert" and say no.

Sarah, you are so balanced.

You are so disciplined.

The truth is that I always worried I had no "willpower" to stop.  It was easier to live life in extreme measures of restriction, than allow myself the pleasure of what could be deep appreciation for a moment-in-time of a treat. 

We are so clever at telling ourselves all kinds of stories, aren't we?  

We tell ourselves to be disciplined, exercise and work hard, then guilt and shame ourselves where we fall short - but could we be as clever at recognizing the imbalances in all aspects of our life, and acknowledge the self abuse we cause by the deprivation of giving and receiving in ease and flow?

Yes, that's a mouthful of a deep thoughts that started with crème brule.

***

I use the example of food and exercise because it's so common and relatable, but recently I've started to notice a pattern I need to correct, far outside of skipping dessert and being obsessively habitual about my routines, and that is the art of receiving.

If we are in balance, we give and receive to all aspects of our life equally.

It is unfair and unrealistic to expect that there aren't times that the pendulum swings to one extreme or the next, but the ideal is to try and keep the barometer aligned. 

I started to notice my own imbalance at Christmas.

My brain would do this comparison calculation on if I had done enough or bought as much or as lavish of a gift, and I found myself multiple times wanting to justify or apologize for not "giving enough".

I swallowed my words a few times as I recognized what I was doing.

(Please note that I could easily derail here onto a tangent about Christmas as a whole and how we have lost the art of giving and receiving with depth and meaning, but anyways......)

Nope, I'm going there.

My favourite gift was from my niece and was handmade.

It came with a little tag that said "To Auntie Sarah.   Auntie Sarah is a way of saying Best Aunt Ever.   Love Sadie". 

I mean, come on???????!!!!!!

(Now and forevermore one of the first things I see on my vision board when I open my front door.)

She was so excited.

"Open it, open it Auntie Sarah!  We even made the box and put tinsel from the tree as the tissue paper."

Oh, my heart.

"It's a meditation doll for your meditation room Auntie Sarah!!"

I literally am tearing up, just writing about the intention and love behind this gift.

The kids made me a little meditation doll out of clay for my meditation room.  (that's arm has fallen off multiple times but I'm committed to keeping her intact.)

I love how personal it was, that they have memories of sitting in my basement, cross legged on the floor with their hands in a prayer pose at their heart and their eyes closed, giggling, saying "Ommmmm" and knowing that memory stuck enough to make this gift.

Yet, here I was doing mental math calculations on if I'd bought enough, given enough or spent enough.

Man, can we ever lose perspective sometimes.

***

Generally speaking, I don't receive well.

I downplay or skip compliments altogether like they aren't even there, and if anyone does anything for me, in my head I'm keeping score of what I owe.

It doesn't happen the other way around though, at all.

I don't keep score on what I give.   

In fact, I don't really think about it at all - but there is a big problem with my inability to receive and my mental scorecard.

I have deprived myself of the gift of receiving freely, and I've deprived the other person who gave me the gift, the compliment or whatever it might be, the gift of giving without expectations or anything in return.

This week, I had the honour of working with someone I did not know very well at all.  He was working on a project to rebrand his business and align it with his purpose in life - his Why.  His ask was that I sit for 3 hours, and listen to key moments in his life, write detailed notes and identify any trends or themes that arose his story.  

(An exercise from Simon Sinek's Find Your Why practical guidebook).

I struggle to commit to doing this exercise in reverse though.

That's too much time to ask of anyone else.   

I don't have a business so why should I even do it.   

Do I really want to share my pivotal high and low moments in life?

This is just another example though, of giving my time and not receiving the gift back.

I have deprived him of the experience I had and in return deprived myself of the gift of the exercise.

(So, of course now I have to do it to fix this and ordered the book.)

This also extends beyond people though.

I have deprived myself of lavender crème brule to stay disciplined, or a lunch break because I'm too focused on what I'm working on, or a yoga class because I'm too busy or time to treat myself unless it's on my To Do list.

Everything is scheduled and what is a luxury or gift for myself, is always last.

***

I believe the first step to any change is awareness of what needs to shift, and regardless of how clear it is from the outside, we can't force that awareness to anyone else that isn't ready to hear it.

You couldn't tell me I have an issue receiving things.   

I have to see it for myself.

Happiness is not so much a choice to abandon restrictive extremes, but perhaps how to hold a softer appreciation for all there is - and allowing myself the gift of receipt is part of that way of living.

It starts by giving ourselves the permission to be in balance, to give and receive with ease; without conditions and expectations, in all areas of our life - how and where we dedicate our time, what we schedule in as our priorities, where to spend our money and, of course, when to order the crème brule.  

(I hope all my Chef friends are reading this.  My birthday is March 29th.) 

***

Every year I pick a word for the year.

I post it on my vision board beside my desk and I look at it nearly every day.

My word for 2021 is Happiness.

It sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Yet, I wonder - How much happiness do we subconsciously block ourselves from receiving, and what would happen if we gave ourselves the permission to embrace it?